Never
by Angoisse
Summary: Of Ivy's longing, of Jenks's grief, and of Rachel, simply Rachel.
1. Lost and Broken

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Never

Part one: _Lost and Broken_

_Ivy_

Rachel could be fantastically obtuse at times, I mused as I idly plinked at the keys on my piano. She'd been far too wrapped up in Kisten when they were together to notice the hours I spent sobbing angrily under cold shower water at his betrayal. He knew I loved her. He knew how much I loved her. He knew that his ability to have her body and heart when I got nothing crushed me. Still, he smirked and took her away. I could never hate him. We'd been through far too much together. I could nonetheless slowly begin to feel our close friendship dissolving, a chasm growing between us. Later, when he was dead, she was too obsessed with finding his killer to catch me crying myself to sleep. I'd lost my best friend, I might have killed him, and through it all I knew she couldn't need me the way I needed her. Jenks saw, of course, and there was a sad knowing in his eyes.

Once, he told me that the only reason he'd never approved of my 'hunting' of Rachel was because I didn't have enough control to do it safely. Even if she loved me, he said, I might hurt her. He told me, to placate me I believe, to wait, and eventually she _would_ love me. All I needed to do was work on willpower.

Even that wasn't enough. Clearly my God wanted to punish me. I was painfully hopeful when Rynn got me to separate blood from sex. I'd finally made myself into what she wanted. Or, what she'd told me she wanted. Then, she said the fatal word, the one that ripped my heart to shreds at long last, like Skimmer had always promised she would.

_Never_.

I was lost and broken. It reminded me of the time after Piscary had blood-raped me, when I thought I was dead. I laughed bitterly at that. I'd been so scared, so awfully scared, and all I wanted in the world was for her to tell me that everything was okay, that I wasn't a monster (yet), that she'd always love me, even just as a friend. What I got was a towel and hot cocoa. A god-damned towel and some hot cocoa.

I sighed and shook my head. These thoughts would do me no good. Instead, I returned to my beautiful baby grand and set myself to the task of filling the church with music. Rachel was out, and I decided I didn't care if all the pixies in the world heard me.

I picked out the perfect song in my mind and allowed the chords and words to take over me.

I sung.

"I've been watching your world from afar,  
I've been trying to be where you are,  
And I've been secretly falling apart, unseen.  
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,  
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,  
You turn every head but you don't see me."

At some point during the first verse, I closed my eyes and began to cry. This song hit close to home.

"I'll put a spell on you,  
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.  
And when I wake you,  
I'll be the first thing you see,  
And you'll realise that you love me.

"Yeah...  
Yeah..."

My voice cracked. The rest must've sounded awful, but I was too tired and miserable to care much.

"Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,  
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,  
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,  
Sometimes...

"I'll put a spell on you,  
You'll fall asleep,  
I'll put a spell on you,  
And when I wake you,  
I'll be the first thing you see,  
And you'll realise that you love me.

"I'll put a spell on you,  
You'll fall asleep 'cos I'll put a spell on you,  
And when I wake you,  
I'll be the first thing you see,  
And you'll realise that you love me, yeah...

"Yeah...  
Yeah...  
Yeah...  
Yeah..."

At the end, I stood and shut the piano loudly, angry and frustrated for no reason at all. I began to rush to my room, prepared to spend a wonderful hour or two sobbing.

I was interrupted. Redwood, freshly cut grass after a spring shower, and Rachel's unique aroma filled my nose. I breathed in deeply, and a single tear escaped my eye. She was in the church. I tensed. I could smell her guilt. I wasn't one to curse very often, but I was tempted. She'd definitely just heard something _very _personal. I'd been too caught up in the music to notice her entrance.

"Ivy?" she called out tentatively. I saw her in the doorway, looking uncomfortable. She was beautiful, and it made me want to tear my own eyes out. I was undeserving, and she didn't want me to look at her that way. She shifted under my (admittedly teary) gaze.

"Yes?" I croaked, and mentally slapped myself. I couldn't let her see me like this. I cleared my throat and surreptitiously dried my eyes. She still caught me. Her brows furrowed slightly in concern, and it hurt more than any insult. She loved me, but not in the way I wanted her to.

"What's wrong?" she asked, and cautiously stepped closer. I held her gaze. It was a dumb question. I was annoyed, but misery won out.

"You should know," I muttered. She should. I'd never kept my absolute adoration of her a secret. She didn't respond, but looked away. She knew. Even if she thought I was only after her with my vampire side, she knew. I scoffed. She shouldn't ask questions she knew the answers to.

I continued to my room. The sad comfort of darkness greeted me and I smiled weakly through my watery eyes. My silken sheets enveloped me lovingly, and I shook with silent tears. If only I could pretend it was her and not cloth clinging to me.

Quietly sobbing for an hour or two sounded great right now.


	2. Awoken

A/N: I have returned to this story after a very, very long hiatus for personal reasons. It deserves to be continued. So, without further ado:

Never

Part two: _Awoken_

_Ivy_

Sitting on my bed, I rubbed at my temples and groaned. This wasn't like me, this pathetic and unending self-pity. I couldn't face what I saw in the mirror. Not only a vampire was I, but an angry quitter. With a new sense of resolve, I cleaned myself up and walked to the back yard to practice my katana form. If I hadn't cleared myself of this angst in my 'talk' with myself, I would destroy it the way I always had – through repetition and concentration. If I had to be in unrequited love, I might as well at least hold on to a shred of my dignity.

* * *

_Rachel_

I stood in the living room, frowning. What right did Ivy have to speak to me that way? My quick temper was awakened by her casual dismissal of me.

I forced it down. This wasn't the time. Ivy was upset, and it definitely had to do with me.

Her song had cut into me deeply. I recognized it, something I may have heard on the radio maybe. The irony of Ivy, a vampire, singing about putting a spell on….me, a witch, wasn't lost on me.

Of course it was for me. Glenn hadn't lasted long, and he certainly hadn't rejected her. I wasn't so oblivious that I didn't know the extent to which Ivy pined after me. But I did hope that it would lessen over time.

Jenks interrupted my thoughts.

"Beautiful, eh? By the faeries, that girl loves you," he quipped none too gently.

"Shut up," I muttered. What was I supposed to do?

"You can't exactly deny it, Rach. Mattie always told me she wanted to be there when you –" he trailed off, voice straining. Matalina, love of his life, mother of his many children, had recently passed on.

"When I what, Jenks?" I asked in my most gentle tone. I was curious. Did she think I wanted Ivy the way Ivy wanted me? Because, whoa, people always guessed I did, but we were just friends, Ivy and I. Even if she wanted more.

"When you'd realize how good you and Ivy would be together."

In no mood to talk further, Jenks buzzed off wearily to the garden to play with those of his children who hadn't left to forge their own names. He was losing his will without his wife.

It had been some ten minutes since my confrontation with Ivy and she came back out of her room. She didn't catch my eye, just walked outside, sword in hand. She was quite the sight: slight frown, set jaw, leather pants and hard boots. The light caught her hair and I was hard put not to note that she looked beautiful. Deadly beautiful.

* * *

_Ivy_

I went through a few exercises before the eyes boring a hole in my back rendered my practice impossible to finish. _Stop, Rachel_, I groaned in my mind. I couldn't concentrate with her looking at me, even if I couldn't see her. Her gaze filled me with a bittersweet desire. Jerkily, I headed over to the tree stump that Jenks and co. had made their home.

I chatted with Jenks somberly for several minutes before I felt Rachel move on to some task that didn't involve staring at me. He was distraught, crying tiny pixie tears. A stranger to comfort, I did my best to help him. That he stood on my shoulder and spoke quietly about Matalina to me told me that I was doing the right thing. If nothing else, I could offer him my ear.

* * *

_Rachel_

There's nothing wrong with admiring a friend. Nothing at all. So Ivy was skilled with a sword, and it was impossible not to watch her. So what? These sorts of thoughts about her came to me from time to time, and there was nothing wrong with it.

Stupid me.


	3. Connected

A/N: The end at last. Please tell me how it is.

Never

Part three: _Connected_

_Rachel_

I glanced up from my spellpot to see Ivy sitting down with Jenks in her hand. She was speaking slowly, from what I could tell. I returned to my work – I felt I had invaded their privacy. Her somber stare had given me intimation as to the privacy of their conversation.

I hated to see her so sad; it was almost always my doing. I recalled my fateful proclamation:

_Never._

As the word had passed by my lips time seemed to drag leisurely on, allowing me to watch Ivy's eyes cloud over, shatter into a thousand tiny amber-onyx pieces in front of me. That image haunted me on days like these when Ivy more than just portrayed her dark, sexy exterior; she turned any room she entered into a morgue with her deadly silence and unwavering glare.

Again, it was my fault. _I_ had broken her heart so many times. _I_ had danced tango with her for so long, pulling her into me and then casting her away. We would share such intimacy when I was injured, when she would show all of her concern for me. Or those times when I took it upon myself to make sure we "bonded". Only to have a fit anytime she wanted to come close, or anytime she needed me.

I didn't know how to fix it. I loved Ivy. She was, for better or worse, where I felt most at home. She was my cocoon of safety.

But still, I didn't know that I could give her what she so desperately needed from me.

* * *

_Ivy_

"I'm not whole anymore, Ivy. I can't breathe without Mattie. All of the children, bless them, just remind me of her. Flaming faerie lords, I can barely make myself accompany Rache on runs. If age doesn't take me soon, I don't –"

Jenks's voice broke, and with it, my will. I sobbed with him, not wailing my any means but joining my dear friend in his grief.

I knew not what to say to comfort him. Was there anything to say?

"When I'm gone, promise me you'll protect her? Have her back?" Jenks requested.

I couldn't scoff because I knew he was serious. That he knew the answer wasn't the point.

"Always," I got out.

"She hurts you, but she loves you. I know it. You can't let her go. You can't – I don't want either of you to be alone. It's so lonely, Ivy." With that, Jenks ceased to speak and curled up in my hand. He didn't cry, he just shook and cursed the gods continuously.

I brought Jenks to his spot in the stump and did my best to tuck him in. It was tough, pixies being tiny, but I couldn't just drop him like a package. He meant too much to me, as often as he teased me – or used to.

I could feel the end coming.

* * *

_Rachel_

When Ivy walked back in, I knew. It was in the set of her jaw, in the brow that seemed stuck between quivering and frowning in desperation. It was the twitch of her fingers at her side and in the watering of her eyes.

"Jenks," I breathed.

Ivy looked at me, and I grabbed the counter to steady myself.

She was crying now, silently. Her eyes sparkled with the tears in them, giving them the look of gemstones in sunlight. It was beautiful. It tore me apart.

She nodded once, and turned away, as though to head to her room.

"Please –" the whisper left me before I could think about what it meant. Did it mean anything?

She came to stand in front of me, waiting to hear the end of my thought.

"Please, don't hide. I know, I know I hurt you all the time, especially recently and I know that you can't trust anything I say because it's all impulse, all action girl, but I can't be alone – we shouldn't be alone right now. I can't – I can't lose both of you."

She understood. She took my hand, nostrils flaring (_this is a bad idea, Ivy, I could almost hear her thinking_) and led me to the table where we sat next to each other.

Finally, she spoke.

"He lost himself when Matalina died. They loved each other so much. He couldn't live without her," she murmured slowly. Her voice was devoid of the smooth tonality it usually carried. No longer did I feel gray silk caressing me; this was the tide crashing on rock, it was something harsh and wild but restrained all the same.

"He died of loneliness, Rachel. He told me he didn't want either of us to end up that way."

This, she said while staring directly at me. She spoke deliberately, softly, and regretfully. As her voice carried over me, she entwined our fingers on the table and placed her other hand atop our shared ones.

She was coaxing me. She was, not hopeful really. I could see that she was heading towards hopelessness. But she would try one last time, for Jenks. She would risk herself, one final time, for me.

* * *

_Ivy_

It took everything in me to touch her. To feel her skin, soft and giving, was an addiction I didn't need. Jenks was right, though.

We couldn't be alone, not anymore. It hurt too much.

She stared at our hands for a while. It made me nervous, and I held in the urge to pull away. If I were to do this, if I was to show her the comfort we could provide for one another with no vampiric qualities involved, I would have to fight my fear.

Tentatively, so gently that the brush of a ladybug would make more impact, she reached with her free hand and caught a drying tear off of my cheek. Once she reached my face, though, she stalled, fingertips just grazing my skin. I kept my eyes directed exactly at hers, but allowed myself to push into her touch the smallest bit. I could smell her fear, her grief, and I allowed it to cover me.

I vamped out, I'm sure. Rachel didn't notice. Instead, she stood up. My stomach clenched in fear – (_she's leaving she's leaving she's leaving_) – but I held still.

And eventually, she came closer. Her hand cupped my jaw now. Mine both rested in my lap, having lost their partner to Rachel's dismount of the chair. Her green eyes pleaded with me. They told me to calm down. I sniffed again. Her fear had been tempered considerably. But how? I frowned.

She smoothed my brow with the pad of a thumb.

"Will you give this to me?" she asked lowly. Her heartbeat pulsed in my ears, making sweet _thumpthumpthump_s and I stared. Was that not my question?

"Always," I croaked, echoing my statement to Jenks.

And so she broke her promise of _Never._

Holding one another, caressing and consoling, we vowed _Always_ instead.


End file.
